


balance

by kngysng



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25363216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kngysng/pseuds/kngysng
Summary: Yeosang breaks, and takes it out on Mingi.
Relationships: Kang Yeosang/Song Mingi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 84





	balance

**Author's Note:**

> enjoyyyy~

Yeosang's mood builds over several days.

It starts off with something small - it always does, so meaningless that he can't even remember what it is a few days later. But it triggers something inside of him and then it doesn't stop. He thinks of the build up as a snowball, rolling and getting bigger and bigger until it crashes into a tree and explodes into an icy dust. Usually, it's more tiny things that add to the snowball. Stupid stuff like forgetting to take the trash out, or his friends laughing a little too loud at some joke. Stuff that shouldn't irritate him but it does. So badly.

The frustration comes with thoughts.  _ Forgot to take the trash out again, did you? Worthless. Pathetic. Good for nothing. _ And they repeat and repeat and get louder and louder until that's all Yeosang's mind is made of. 

And then Yeosang becomes angry. So, so angry. Because it's all so stupid. He shouldn't get this upset at such small things, but he can't help it. He can't control his mind, no matter how hard he tries. It does what it wants.

The snowball crashes late one night when he's in bed in Mingi, watching some kind of Netflix documentary on penguins. Yeosang isn't paying attention to the television, though, he's too busy being consumed by his thoughts. Picking apart every little thing about himself, trying to find just a shred of something good but he isn't having any luck.

Maybe there's nothing good about him.

Mingi is shoveling popcorn into his mouth, chewing very loudly and the noise makes Yeosang feel unbearably itchy. He scratches at his arm, nails painfully digging into his skin. 

"I want a penguin," Mingi says, mouthful of popcorn. Yeosang sees a tiny piece fly out of his mouth as he speaks. Disgusting. "One with the yellow eyebrows. Macaroni penguin, I believe? I think I kinda look like one, what do you think?"

God, can he  _ shut up? _

Yeosang instantly feels bad for thinking that. He looks over at Mingi, who grins at him, crescent eyes and crooked teeth. Yeosang tries to smile back, but his mind's started a new round of intrusive thoughts.  _ World's shittiest boyfriend. Undeserving of Mingi's, or anyone else's, love. Abusive. Toxic. Trickster and manipulator. _

"Are you okay?" Mingi asks, now frowning. 

Yeosang hadn't realized just how cold his glare had been. "I'm fine," he lies. 

Mingi is fidgeting with his hands now, pulling at his fingers and rubbing his palms together. An anxiety tic, Yeosang recognizes. Now he feels even more terrible. "Are you sure?" Mingi asks, tentative. "You're not mad at me, are you? Is it because I ate most of the popcorn? We have more, I can make some if you want." 

"It's nothing to do with the popcorn," Yeosang says, scratching at his arm again. It won't stop itching.

"But you are mad at me, right?"

"No!" Yeosang snaps without really meaning to. "My God, I'm not mad."

Mingi flinches at Yeosang's sudden outburst, frightened. Yeosang feels sick. He's done it again. He's let his fucking mental issues take control of him and he's taken it out on Mingi. Poor Mingi, who already has enough issues of his own without having to deal with Yeosang's as well.

Yeosang is the worst, he really is.

He presses his palms into his eyes, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to spill out, but he isn't very successful.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, his voice thick. "I didn't mean to sound like that. I promise I'm not mad at you."

"Okay." Mingi's voice sounds small and far away. 

Yeosang wipes at his eyes, feeling very embarrassed and horrible, and he really just wants to get up and run away for a bit but he knows that doesn't solve anything, and it would only make Mingi feel worse. So instead he holds his arms out wide and lets his boyfriend crawl into them.

Mingi is way taller than Yeosang, but he somehow makes himself seem so small and fragile in Yeosang's arms. Yeosang buries his face into Mingi's hair and cries for a bit, letting out some of that icy dust that's now swirling around in his mind like a blizzard. 

When Yeosang is done, Mingi wipes at the tears that remain on his face, and leaves a few kisses on his cheeks. He seems to be okay now, his fear replaced with worry.

"I'm not mad at you," Yeosang repeats once he's calmed down enough. "But even if I was, I would never hurt you."

Mingi nods. "I know."

Not surprisingly, Yeosang doesn't get much sleep that night. After Mingi dozes off, he mostly just lays there and watches him, and tries to fight off the thoughts that threaten to overtake him again. But Yeosang really hates that he lost his cool in front of Mingi, who's beared the brunt of others' anger and emotions all his life.

Yeosang doesn't want to be that kind of person. He's had his fair share of trauma as well, which is probably why he's ended up like this, so he knows how much it sucks. Mingi doesn't deserve it. Yeosang wants to be his safe space.

Eventually, Yeosang falls asleep at about three in the morning. He wakes up at half past nine, thanks to the uncomfortable warmth of the sunlight that's pouring into the room. Yeosang groans and pulls the blanket over his head. He doesn't want sun right now. He doesn't even want to get out of bed, honestly. He doesn't believe he has the strength to. Last night is still weighing down on him heavily, Mingi's fearful expression still fresh in his face. 

_ Terrible. No good.  _

Yeosang furiously shakes his head, like he can shake the thoughts from his mind. He's so tired.

He hears the bedroom door swing open. "Yeosang!" Mingi calls, bright and loud. "Wake up, I ordered breakfast."

Yeosang peeks over the blanket. Mingi is proudly holding up a brown paper bag from one of their favorite places to order food from, his cheeks cutely puffed up. Normally, it would make Yeosang giggle and grin ear to ear but right now he doesn't even have the energy to do that much. 

It makes him feel bad, of course. 

"Thanks," he says, failing to put any kind of enthusiasm in his voice at all. "Can you close the curtains?"

Mingi obeys, then makes himself comfortable in bed, pulling the food out the bag. "I got you that gross vegan bacon sandwich you like," he says. 

Yeosang can't even feign offendence at Mingi insulting his favorite breakfast sandwich, like he always does. "Mingi, I appreciate it, but I'm not hungry. I don't feel well."

Mingi frowns. "Are you sick?"

"Physically, no," Yeosang answers, "but mentally…" He trails off, then says, "You can eat without me."

Mingi hesitates. "Are you sure?" 

"Yes," Yeosang says, then he adds for reassurance, "I won't get mad."

So Mingi unwraps his own sandwich and eats as Yeosang watches. It does smell and look so good, but Yeosang just has zero appetite at the moment and he'll probably stay that way until night comes. Then the hunger will hit him all at once and he'll impulsively order fifty dollars worth of Chinese food.

That's how it usually goes, anyway. 

After Mingi's finished eating, he sets Yeosang's food aside and settles down into bed. It's Yeosang's turn to be held now. He fits himself nicely into Mingi's arms, laying his head on Mingi's chest. Before Mingi, Yeosang used to envy all the other boys who tower over him and wish he could be tall like them. Now, he appreciates being smaller. Having such a tall boyfriend is like having his own giant teddy bear he can cuddle up to.

Yeosang's heart is already feeling a little lighter, and his mind just a tiny bit quieter, as he lays there and listens to Mingi's heartbeat. 

Mingi turns on the television, and puts the penguin documentary back on to finish watching. Again, Yeosang doesn't really pay attention, but it's still nice to just watch the penguins on screen, eating fish and doing whatever other stuff penguins do. Yeosang doesn't really know.

"Hey," Yeosang says, looking up at Mingi. "You  _ do _ look like a macaroni penguin, by the way."

Mingi laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! comments are appreciated 😊


End file.
